Unsettled…

No one in my circle can really believe what’s gone down this week.

We’ve had bombs at the Boston Marathon, where 3 people lost their lives, and many more their limbs.

A fertilizer plant exploded in Texas, killing nearly 5 times that many and wounding hundreds.

The Senate defeated a gun-control measure that by all accounts seemed innocuous enough, but apparently heralded the beginning of the end of our precious right to bear arms.  If possible, the chasm in our country widened just a bit more.

I read this blog post yesterday, and my heart cracked a little.

Close to home, it was nearly 80 degrees yesterday, and today it was cold, rainy and frankly, scary with dark clouds.  We had a tornado warning last night. Personally, all this national drama comes on top of heaps of professional drama as we plow through our “busy” time of the year, and personal drama as I wonder just what the world has in store for me.

We, the collective we, are weary, sad, tired and doggedly trying to keep a brave face, but it gets harder every day.

I try hard to force myself to be cheerful and positive, but I don’t know what to do with all this.

Last night, I thought I had it figured out.  On a long walk with Sadie, while on the phone with my dad, I told him, and meant it, that we can’t let events like Boston bring us down.  I cannot shake the very real, firm belief that there were many, many more people who ran toward danger after Monday’s explosions than the alleged two cowards who dropped black bags and took off.   I KNOW that more people are trying to do good than evil.

But here’s the thing.  We pay attention to the bad.  Our media does it, and we are foolish if we think it’s their fault alone.  Everyone in my field is guilty of it; entire marketing plans are rearranged because one person complains on social media.  So many good things happen on a day like today that we completely cast aside; I finished a 42 page publication today!  I should be over the moon, but as I sit at home, I’m dwelling on the email from my dad that set us at political odds once again, and I’m pondering why I feel so generally unsettled.

A good friend recently wrote a lovely, lyrical blog post about the temporary nature of things, and I was struck as I read it that many of us are de passage, as she says: always traveling from point a to b or c.  I have lived in Arkansas for 8 years.  Is it home?  You tell me.  I call it home, and I say (and mean it) “it’s good to be home” when I leave and come back.   But bombs go off in Boston and I feel the anger and sadness like a physical ache.  Even now, as spring, my favorite season in the Ozarks, begins to be sprung, I long for beaches, and mountains, and lakes, (none of which can exist in the same space, incidentally – I’m aware of my slightly, ahem, ambitious expectations).  I wonder what it will take to make me feel settled, anchored. I look ahead to my next 10 years, and I honestly can’t tell you what might be coming.

I know I shouldn’t be complaining.  My life is good.  I have more blessings than most.  Yet, I am tired of reminding myself that, of always trying to end my blog posts on a happy note.  I supposed it’s good that I can’t seem to find it in myself to stop trying.  So, doggedly following the formula, I’m going to give you a couple of posts that have warmed my chilly soul, just a little, these past few days:

Dove’s Real Beauty Sketches video – I’m choosing to ignore all the things that others have pointed out are wrong with this campaign.  I think we all need to believe we’re beautiful, and that’s enough for me for now.

The National Anthem at the Boston Garden – Rene Rancourt has been singing the Anthem for Bruins games as long as I can remember.  This time, he put the mic down and what happened was inspiring.

My Sadie is a recently certified Therapy Dog, and I’ve been reading about all the various dog organizations that have been taking dogs to Newtown, Boston and now West, Texas.  If you doubt there is good in the world, ask a dog what he/she thinks.  I guarantee you they will say “you are awesome” and ask to be petted.

I guess it’s a start.

PS:  If you don’t like foul language and really offensive satire, don’t read this next link.  But if you know and love the Onion, read on, and know they’ve got our backs.