Someone like me, who has built a life largely as a solo endeavor, learns to accept certain realities: slow dances will always be awkward, no matter how old you are or how fast your reach for your phone to start texting, 9 times out of 10 hostesses will look uncomfortable when you announce you’re dining alone, and while there are lots of things that can be done solo, there are some things (rollercoasters and honeymoons, for example) that simply require an “other”, significant or not.
(On the upside, we also secretly gloat about the hidden bonuses, such as always being in control of the remote and not being judged for spending 1/2 a day watching Dog Whisperer, but I digress.)
However, someone like me also, by necessity, spends quite a bit of time in fantasy worlds; on TV, in books or even just out and about, mentally trying to deconstruct the lives of my fellow humans. Inevitably, the characters in these fictional or real dramas are more interesting, prettier, luckier or wittier than me (and they never worry about waxing). In fiction, they’re always getting “feelings” about people and situations. In real life, they appear to glide through life without stopping to wonder if they are in the right place at the right time. Neither of these idealized worlds are real, but they are easy to imagine and romanticize.
Lately, I’ve found myself feeling like something good is about to happen. It feels like what novelists try to describe in their books. I’m a little stunned by how distinct the feeling is, and how much I like it.
The problem is that I have no way of knowing if it’s real. It could very well be something my over-zealous self-analyzing psyche has drummed up to get me through whatever particular crisis my subconscious is churning over. (Good grief, just reading that last sentence makes me want to slap myself). Or it could just be that I’m in a good mood for whatever reason.
In a novel, in a situation like this, some wise best friend/mentor would say “good things will happen if you make them happen.” Since I’ve never asked my real friends, I have no idea what they’d say, but I suspect it would be something like “Get real, girl. Whatever happens, happens.”
I wish I could express how scary it feels to even write this down, because inevitably, someone will read it and ask me 6 months later: “Hey, did anything ever happen?” And I’ll likely have to answer “Nope.”
But I wanted a record of it, because it’s been a while since I can remember feeling like this. And even if it does disappear, I’d like to try to remember the feeling, because it’s pretty great. And despite the fact that I know it’s probably all in my head, I think I’m going to do my damnedest to keep it going.